currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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