Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
