you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
