i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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