Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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