and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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