I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My Higher Power is John Stamos
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
