Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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