goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
