Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
