A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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