my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
40s are totally the cure
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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