Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
