I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize