I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My cat gives me a boner
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
