I wish I could teleport
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
