the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Hippo gnu deer
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
