Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
