why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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