i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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