Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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