genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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