If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
