Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
