so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
