he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
