Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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