Apparently you make a good broom.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
