I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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