Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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