Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
where does the pee come out of this thing
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
