Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
