I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
