how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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