I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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