I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
