i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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