Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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