..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
