You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
