The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
