i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
