True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
