I accidentally had phone sex last night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
