He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
