I hate your face
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
