I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
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