yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
