apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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