I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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