YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
