rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
