I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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